I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
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She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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