Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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