you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
