friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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