Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
