sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
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