this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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