he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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