i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
