I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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