Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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