New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
