I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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