OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
