you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
