We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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