I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
It's never too late to be topless.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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