He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Randomize