No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
