my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
