Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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