Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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