Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize