i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
