If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Welp...herpes.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
