Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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