My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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