he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
