there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
