we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
