I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet