you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
