He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
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