I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
