seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
