Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
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