so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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