Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
