Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
