You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
