yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
