someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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