You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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