I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
