Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.