My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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