Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
