just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
