Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
