just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
