booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
