The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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