Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
