and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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