Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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