Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
