Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
