I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
