Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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