oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
