just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
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He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
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Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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