Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
